friends

I hope you all don't mind, but I am going to take this opportunity and use my blog as if it were my journal.  It's not often I get too personal on this blog, but I really have had a lot on my mind and heart lately. 

I find I'm still struggling to balance my life out in a way that makes me 100% happy.  I absolutely love my husband, family and baby girl to pieces.  So please don't think for a second I'm not happy with any of them - because I am.  What I'm not happy about is feeling so tied down in this role as a wife and mother to the point where I don't really get enough "friend" time.  To talk to a friend on the phone, or via e-mail.  To visit old co-workers at lunch.  To get on a plane and visit some old college friends.  Ugh.  I don't feel like I get enough of my friends.  It's a part of my life that took a hit the day Riley was born.  And, I miss it. 

I've never been one to have loads of friends.  Never.  I was never popular.  (I know, shocking!)  I kept a handful of close friends everywhere I went.  In HS, in college, at work, and now as a stay-at-home mom.  While my handful of close friends has changed here and there - I am still friendly with everyone and try my hardest to keep in touch with all (near and far) but it's hard.  I know I'm not the only one that is busy, so I'm sure most of you reading this will immediately forgive my absence in your life.  I hope.

I just miss you all.  I never knew how much being a mom would consume my whole being.  It's everything.  It's an important everything and should be top priority - but I need to work harder at balancing my life in a way that keeps me happy, in all realms.  I need my girlfriends.  Need them.

I don't feel like I call enough, e-mail enough, ask you over enough, hang out enough, etc.  I have a million excuses why but I'm not sure you want to hear them.  So, I'll tell you.  Ha.  I'm busy with Riley all day, when she naps I have a list of things I want to accomplish that nap and one phone call blows half that nap time, then after she goes to sleep at night there are dishes and cleaning up to do.  If I dare go out for a walk or jog alone, it's then I do that.  Then it's a shower, hang out with my husband briefly, a small amount of "me" time if possible and then bed.  Same thing every day.  Yes, even on weekends.  They are no different.

All mom's - working or stay-at-home are BUSY.  I never knew what busy could really be like until Riley came along.

Some of you want to do lunch.  Let me tell you, unless you come to my house - that's hard too.  Riley eats early.  She's messy, she needs my constant attention, and when she's done eating she needs out of the highchair ASAP or we have an emergency.  She then runs around and I no longer can eat and finish my lunch.  Eating out is expensive.  We gave up my income so I could raise Riley.  Eating out - see, right there that's tough -  if it involves me spending money, it's probably not a good idea.  Shortly after lunch, Riley goes down for a nap - usually by 1 pm.

Oh, you want to do dinner?  Yeah, same thing.  If it's eating out - I can only do that once in a great while because of the money thing.  I also need to make sure it's a night Aaron would be around to watch Riley while I went out.  Going to someone else's house for dinner is nice too but we usually have to leave relatively early because of Riley's early bedtime.  And again, Riley needs constant attention so if she's around - having an enjoyable meal is pretty much out of the question.  It's all about her.  Rightfully so!

Anyway, I could go on and on about why I can't see my friends but it doesn't take away the fact that I want to and that I miss you and that I wish I could just escape for a lunch or dinner out to see you.  While I do get chances to break away - it doesn't happen often so I try my hardest to enjoy the moments I do get and the visits I do get with each of you.

What I'm asking is for your patience and understanding.  Some of you absolutely know what I'm talking about and can relate, others of you can imagine it, and maybe some of you are just now getting it.  Whatever the case, please know I haven't forgotten you.  That I appreciate you.  That I need you in my life, even if we rarely speak.  Sounds so sad, I know.

Riley won't always be this needy.  I won't always be a stay-at-home mom.  We won't always be on a tight schedule.  We may not always be in this state.  Things change.  I won't always be in this position, feeling this guilty about my lack of connection with each of you.  I just needed to share with you how I am feeling because friendship is important to me and I know my actions haven't proved that lately.

If I say I can't do something, don't take it personally - understand it just doesn't fit in our schedule and our financial means right now.  But if I ask you over or do have a free night, understand that it's an opportunity to get together and catch up - even if it is on my time.  I hope you all can be understanding and forgiving.

I'll leave you with a quote by Emily Matthews - "Once in a while we meet someone who makes us feel so good, Who seems to understand us in a way few people could - Someone who's truly glad for us when things are going well, Who's always there to listen when we've something new to tell.  Once in awhile we find someone on whom we can depend - That's why we're really lucky, for we've found ourselves a friend."

I'm grateful and blessed to have you, friends, in my life.  Thank you for being there when I need you.  I hope you can say the same about me.  I hope that I too have been a good friend - even during this new phase of my life as a mother.  I'm still learning how to balance it all out.